


Coffee Please

by SweetPotato



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Superman (Comics)
Genre: Coffee, M/M, bats needs his coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-03 19:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2869025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetPotato/pseuds/SweetPotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alfred’s out of town and Bruce needs his coffee fix, the batboys try to be of assistance, emphasis on TRY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee Please

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this right after I got my brothers old computer on Christmas, idk why.

There was one thing Bruce failed to take into account when he sent Alfred off on a five day father’s day cruise: Coffee. Crime does not rest so neither does Batman, but that doesn’t mean he is not human after all. He needs at least four cups a day to keep him up and at them, and Alfred knows just how he likes his coffee. And gods forbid the dark knight brew his own pot of coffee, so naturally he asked the first person within arm’s length to do it for him.

“Jason.” Bruce calls him over from his card game with Tim. They were both hanging out in the batcave while Bruce worked on his computer.

“Whatcha want Bats?” He questioned, walking up to Bruce.

“Would you make me a cup of coffee?” He asked, punching away at the key board. Jason scratches the back of his head.

“I can sure try.” He says and makes his way up the stairs and back into the manor. He comes back within fifteen minutes with a mug in his hand and a smile on his face. Bruce did not look that tired on the outside, but he was completely exhausted in his mind from only a little over an hour of sleep the day before. Of course the only was anyone could even tell he was tired was the fact that he was typing a bit slower than usual. His usual 150 wpm fell to around 110.

“Here you go Bruce.” Jason said. He had never made coffee before, only bought or stolen it, but he thinks he did pretty well. Bruce thanks him and takes the mug, not even looking at it before bringing it to his lips and taking a big gulp. Then Bruce froze, even the hand that was still tapping away at keys. He slowly put the mug down, before picking up a nearby napkin and wiping his mouth.

“Jason, though I appreciate the thought, this is the worst cup of coffee I have ever had.” He stated. The smile disappeared as Tim roared with laughter behind him.

“What, no way! Alfred just spoiled you with his gourmet shit.” Jason huffed. Bruce held up his mug.

“That may be, but that is not why this coffee is horrible. It’s horrible because it’s full of coffee grinds.” He explained.

“How in the world did you screw up that bad?” Tim said, still giggling. Damian and Dick walked in.

“What did Jason do this time?” Damian asked. Tim told them what had happened.

“What, do you think you could make it any better? Huh, pretty boy?” Jason taunted. Bruce sighed feeling a storm brewing. His eyelids were starting to feel heavy.

“Maybe I can.” Tim smirked.

“Well that’s hardly a contest, even I could make decent cup of coffee.” Damian commented.

“You drink coffee?” Bruce asked skeptically.

“Dick started taking me Starbucks, and I got a taste for it.” And thus, the great coffee war had begun. Every one of them attempted to make a good cup of joe for Bruce. And they all failed.

Tim’s cup was so weak it looked like piss water.

“I drink tea; I thought that was how it was supposed to look.”

Damian’s wasn’t that bad except that it was so bitter that Bruce gagged on his first sip.

“Wimp.” Damian commented, taking the mug and drinking the rest himself.

Dicks was the best of the three, he just put way too much fucking “International Delight” creamer in it and made Bruce’s teeth hurt.

“Well that’s how _I_ like my coffee~”

Finally Bruce had had enough of this horrible, nasty coffee. He had work to do and he was about to fall asleep. While the boys were bickering he picked up his phone and made a call.

“Hey babe what’s up?” Clark answered.

“Are you busy?”

“Nope, just a slow night on patrol.”

“Good, then could you come over here and make me a decent cup of coffee?”

“Where’s Alfred?”

“Father’s day cruise.”

“Ah, nice. Okay then, I’ll be right over.” Two minutes later he heard Clark let himself into the manor using the front doors. Five minutes later he is walking down the steps to the bat cave. He greeted the boys as Bruce downed his coffee.

“Ah,” Bruce sighed with relief, feeling the caffeine do its job, “Thanks Clark.” Clark smiled and bent over to give him a peck on the lips.

“No problem, I even made about a gallon of extra for you to warm up later.”

“You’re great.” Bruce chuckled.

“Wait, how does _Superman_ know how to make coffee? Aren’t you powered by the fucking sun?” Jason asks.

“Well I needed a job one summer in high school, and the town coffee shop was my only option.”


End file.
